Slowly Disappearing
by kateafur
Summary: Zack reflects.


Title: Slowly Disappearing  
Author: kateafur  
E-Mail: kateafur@aol.com  
Archive: Ask first.  
Category: Zack angst, MLR  
Rating: G/PG, nothing bad here  
Spoilers: I wrote this with the events of The Kidz Are Aiight in mind, but wrote it   
before it aired. So, it takes some general plot ideas from that ep, but goes AU   
characterwise. Basically, spoilers for Rising only.  
Summary: Zack reflects.   
Author's Notes: A little something I whipped up in a couple of hours. Let me   
know what you think! Many thanks to Cara for the quickie beta!   
Disclaimer: Not mine.   
  
~~~  
Waiting here for you  
Wanting to tell you  
How I find myself slowly disappearing too  
Just the way you do  
Thought if I told you  
You might want to help me remain with you  
~'High Life' Counting Crows  
~~~  
  
  
The night is calm.   
  
Electricity and moisture hang heavy in the gray night air, blanketing the city in a   
sense of tranquillity. The peace after a storm that never came. A light rain falls in   
the quiet streets, beating a soothing rhythm on the window. Though the night   
personifies placidity, deep in his bones he can't let go of the sense of an   
impending storm. All the world, it seems, has accepted the safety provided by   
the layer of humidity hovering in the air. But just like always, Zack questions it.   
  
The bed seems too soft, too comfortable. He's used to stealing quick, dreamless   
naps in dumpsters reeking of rotted food or on the wet ground cover of the   
forest. Or, for a change, the cardboard mattress of a pre-pulse motel. But never   
on a queen-sized, four-poster bed complete with a down comforter.   
  
He stares out the window, feeling the cool breeze waft in from the crack he's left   
open. Save for the occasional swish of a sector police truck barreling through a   
puddle or the slight hum of a hover drone, the city is silent below.   
  
The breeze is chilly, a welcome sensation in the balmy spring air. Zack lays on   
top of the comforter, clad in only his boxers, unaffected by the temperature, be it   
hot or cold.   
  
Zack wonders how he came to be here, in enemy territory. Sleeping on the guest   
bed of a civilian is not a tactically positive situation. He's not, and has no   
intention of, sleeping. Just resting his body. His mind, however, wanders freely.   
  
It's been months since he's seen Max. Not highly unusual as he has several   
other 'siblings' scattered about the continent to look in on and watch out for. But,   
for a reason he chooses not to identify, he worries about Max the most. He never   
pretended not to be bothered by her choice to attempt a 'normal' life.   
  
He arrived in Seattle only earlier that evening. Zack didn't even bother looking   
for Max at her place of employment, Jam Pony, or even her apartment. Instead,   
he headed right for the penthouse of one Logan Cale. The last time he'd left   
Max, Logan had miraculously recovered from his paralysis and was walking   
around. The relationship between the two was just starting to develop into   
something more.   
  
Though the night still seemed young to him, the rest of Seattle was locked in for   
the evening, waiting out the never-ending rain. The penthouse was dark so Zack   
decided to do what any Manticore trained, genetically-enhanced human would   
do: pick the lock. After completing the menial task, Zack slowly entered the   
apartment. He didn't know what to expect. He held fast to the hope that Max   
would not be there. Having to deal with a pissed-off hacker seemed a better   
alternative than to dealing with walking in on Max and her lover. The thought   
was too much to bear.  
  
Finding no signs of life, Zack made his way towards the bedroom only to come   
face to face with Max.   
  
"Zack?!" Max jumped from her crouched, ready-to-attack position to circle her   
arms around his neck. Zack sighed in relief. Logan seemed nowhere in sight and   
Max was happy to see him. He tried to ignore the fact Max wore nothing but an   
oversized gray t-shirt. "What are you doing here?"   
  
"I…I was in the area…" Zack knew his excuse was lame but hoped Max wouldn't   
question it. In truth, he didn't know why he'd stopped in Seattle. Fortunately,   
before Max could respond, the light flicked on and Logan entered the room. He   
wore nothing but a pair of flannel pajama pants. His hair stuck out in about thirty   
different directions and he tried, unsuccessfully, to smooth it as his eyes   
adjusted to the light. His glasses were crooked on his nose and he held a gun in   
his right hand which hung limply at his side.   
  
Good to know that Max is so well protected, Zack thought bitterly.   
  
"Max? Ev'rything ok?" Logan croaked out. Zack folded his arms across his chest   
and gave Logan an intimidating look. He didn't like the way Max immediately   
rushed to Logan's side.   
  
"It's all good, baby." Baby? Zack suddenly felt very uncomfortable as Max   
reached up to adjust Logan's glasses, letting her arm trail slowly down his bare   
chest. Zack also didn't like the way Logan responded, smiling down at Max like   
she had just saved the freakin' world or something. "Zack just dropped in to   
visit."   
  
Logan suddenly became alert as he noticed Zack's rather imposing presence.   
His hand quickly touched his bare chest. "Umm…my shirt?" he mumbled, looking   
frantically around. "Oh." He answered to himself after observing Max's attire.   
Max just stood grinning at Zack and clutching Logan, oblivious to the   
awkwardness of the situation. Logan excused himself to put the gun away,   
looking at the weapon a tad confused, as if he didn't know how exactly it came to   
be in his hand.  
  
"So. It looks like everything's all under control here in Seattle." Zack couldn't   
help the sarcasm that crept into his voice at the remark. He watched as Max's   
happy expression suddenly morphed into one of hurt.   
  
"What's that s'pposed to mean?" She cocked her eyebrow at him and placed her   
hand on her hip, her attitude adjusting quickly into defense mode.  
  
Zack didn't feel much like launching into his 'phony sentimentality, you're a   
soldier, blah blah…' lecture with Max. It seemed that was all he was good for   
lately. With all the X-5s. "Nothing."  
  
"Thought so." Max glared at him before strutting off into the bedroom, clearly   
pissed. She emerged a minute later with Logan trailing at her heels. He had put   
on a shirt and looked slightly more awake. "Look. I don't know what's your dealio   
showing up here in the middle of the night, but I gotta crash. If you need sleep,   
you can use Logan's guest room." Max pointed to a door next to the bedroom.   
"Or else you can come back in the morning. Whatever." She waited for a   
response, imitating the defensive pose Zack still held.   
  
Zack blurted out he'd crash in the guest room before he could even think about   
it. Why did he agree? He wasn't even tired. Max nodded and dragged Logan   
behind her as she headed back to bed. "See you in a couple hours." She added   
before shutting the door to the bedroom, leaving Zack alone in the room.   
  
Zack sighed, left with no other choice than but to head off to bed.  
  
So, here he was about an hour later. Lying awake, listening to the rain drizzle   
outside, contemplating life. Up until about fifteen minutes ago, Zack could hear   
the hushed voices of Logan and Max discussing, from what he could make out,   
him. He assumes that their window is open, too. The breeze carrying their   
whispers to his ears.   
  
It isn't fair. He knows the reason he came to Seattle and it's purely selfish. As   
much as he hates to admit it, all the other X-5s are getting over Manticore. It's   
totally irrational and dangerous, he thinks. Trying to ignore what they are. Cause   
they can live their lives avoiding what they've been taught, attempting to be   
'normal'. But it will never work. Lydecker will catch up with them eventually. What   
will they do then?   
  
But somewhere, deep down, he can relate. What would it be like? Having   
friends, family, someone to love? He can't help but think it might be worth it. A   
few moments of weakness could bring a few moments of happiness. He's never   
been happy before.   
  
That's why he's here in Seattle. Because Zack knows that the only one who   
could really bring him happiness, help peel away some of that Manticore   
exterior, is Max.   
  
Zack isn't surprised when he hears his door creak open.   
  
"Zack?" Max's voice is soft as she creeps into the room. She must know he   
never sleeps.   
  
"Hey Max. Thought you needed to crash?" Zack props himself up on his elbows,   
watching her as she sits Indian-style on the bed next to him. She just shrugs.  
  
"I'm sorry if you're disappointed with me." Max states bluntly. She's added a pair   
of boxers to her outfit. Zack suddenly feels a little exposed wearing just his   
underwear, but Max doesn't seem to take notice so he shrugs it off.   
  
Zack doesn't know how to respond to that. Sure, he's disappointed in her, in all   
the X-5s for moving on. So he tells her.  
  
Max just nods. He can't help but see the look of relief flush over her features   
when he adds "all the X-5s." It's always good to know you're not the only one. If   
only he could feel the same.   
  
"This is good for me. I'm happy. I love Logan with all my heart and he loves me.   
But I know Lydecker's still out there and Manticore will always be a part of me.   
I'm always watching my back. So is Logan." Max's words hurt Zack, especially   
her nonchalant declaration of an emotion so foreign to him. Though he can't help   
but wonder about Logan watching her back after the scene that played before   
him tonight.   
  
"I just want you to be happy, too." A silent tear rolls down Max's cheek as she   
speaks and it kills Zack inside.   
  
Zack wonders if Max knows what it'll take to make him happy. Does she realize   
that she's the key? If only he could tell her. But it wouldn't be fair. She thinks the   
idea of leaving Manticore behind is foreign to him.   
  
If only he could tell her he wants to disappear too. If only she knew that each   
time he gets his barcode burned off, he wishes with all his heart that in a few   
weeks the tell-tale vertical lines won't appear. But he could never. Because he's   
Zack. The leader.  
  
"Maybe someday, Max." He tries to reassure her. His admission of hope earns a   
few more tears from Max, but a slight smile emerges on her face. "Someday." He   
repeats again, lowering himself back onto the bed. Suddenly, he's very tired.   
  
Without a sound, Max leaves the bedroom. Her scent trails behind her. Zack   
notices that her usual scent, the one he learned long ago and remembered all   
these years, has mingled with a new one. He recognizes it as Logan's.   
  
Everyone's fading away, what he used to know is disappearing. He notices the   
rain has stopped. Zack's last thought before drifting off is that maybe, ever so   
slowly, he's disappearing too.  
  
End. Completed 2/19/01. By kateafur.  
  



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